How to Get a Girlfriend When You’re Autistic: 13 Steps

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The world is full of bright, compassionate, and attractive women—which can make approaching them very difficult. With patience and just a little confidence, you can overcome your shyness and find yourself a girlfriend. This dating advice is tailored for people on the autism spectrum, but other disabled people and neurotypicals may also find it useful.

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    Observe how other people treat their girlfriends. Pay attention to their body language and the things they say. Notice what it is that makes people seem loving, respectful, and sweet.

If you’re worried about staring at your friends, try watching relationships on TV.

Ask people with girlfriends for tips on treating ladies well.


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Get to know women/girls. You can make female friends at clubs, activities, and classes. Spend a lot of time listening to them, which will help you understand them and make the two of you feel closer.Look for girlfriends at places related to your special interests (such as robotics club or dance classes). That way, you can bond over your favorite things.


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Start a conversation. Prepare scripts beforehand if you’re worried about being nervous. Practice the scripts until you feel ready to start a conversation in real life. Here are some examples of things to say.Introduce yourself. “Hi, I’m ____. What’s your name?” When she says her name, repeat it to yourself in your head so you don’t forget. Saying her name later on will tell her that you remember, and it will make her feel special. You can introduce yourself at the beginning of a conversation, or later on (e.g. “What’s your name, by the way? I’m ____.”)

Start with a compliment. “I was really impressed by your improvements to the robot,” “I love your bracelet,” or “Your hair looks nice.” She will most likely thank you, and perhaps return with a compliment. If she does, thank her.

Next ask a question like “How was your day?”, “What do the charms on your bracelet mean?” or “Have you got much work to do tonight?” It’s especially nice to ask her questions about the thing you complimented, or about something you have in common (e.g. about her thoughts on the class you take together). She’ll reply, and either go deeper into the answer with you, or ask you a question in return.

Speak when there is a long silence (about 15 seconds or more).

Avoid overwhelming her with questions. Whenever there is a silence, alternate between questions and things about your plans for example: “Last weekend I went to….” or “Tomorrow I’m going…”. This should get her to start asking you questions.

Let her do most of the talking. Many psychologists recommend the 70/30 rule: spent 70% of the time listening, and 30% of the time talking. This helps your conversation partner feel appreciated, and makes her want to talk to you again. If you find that you’re doing over half the talking, slow down and give her room to speak.


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If you do something strange, explain to her that you are autistic and sometimes don’t pick up on social cues. If you think you upset her, then apologize. She may already have known that you were a little different, but not wanted to ask about it for fear of being rude.Explain the most relevant points of your disability, especially if she might misinterpret important signals. For example, if you have trouble recognizing social cues, you may want to explain that she should clarify before assuming that you don’t care about her. If you have trouble recognizing faces, tell her, so that she knows that you didn’t wave because you didn’t realize it was her.

Offer to answer any questions she has to the best of your ability. If she’s especially curious, point her to autistic-written resources from organizations like ASAN and the Autism Women’s Network.

Neurotypicals tend to feel awkward when people mention disabilities. If she starts looking away or stuttering, she is probably a bit uncomfortable. Ask her if she feels uncomfortable, and if there’s anything that you can do to ease her mind.

Most neurotypicals will react with support, confusion, or curiosity. However, if she responds badly, don’t take it personally—it is her ignorance that is the problem, not your autism, and you deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect who you are. You are fundamentally okay.


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Watch her body language to see if she’s interested in you.If she smiles at you, touches your arms or torso, and talks a lot about her life, then she probably enjoys your company and considers you potential dating material.

If she usually gives short answers to all your questions, doesn’t say much to you, and leaves before you get the chance to talk to her much, then she’s probably not interested. It’s better to back off and find someone else.

If you can’t tell, ask a friend if they think she likes you. Friends can offer valuable insights, and many of them feel pleased that you trust their judgment. This is a very normal thing to do when you have a crush.


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Say hello whenever you see her. After a few conversations, you might want to arrange a meeting outside of the club/school/wherever you met her. You could invite her to movies, restaurants, events, gatherings of friends, et cetera.


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Continue building your relationship.Ask her for advice and opinions. Many people love to share their thoughts, and they especially appreciate it when you listen to them and remember what they say.

Don’t be afraid of your quirks. Your stims, special interests, and idiosyncrasies are part of who you are. A girl who cares for you will find them sweet and unique.

Find areas of mutual interest and talk about those. If one of those is a special interest of yours, don’t be afraid to delve into it! Your passion and expertise may pleasantly surprise her. Simply follow the general rules of politeness: don’t monopolize the conversation, and let her change the subject if she wants. If you do that, you’ll be just fine.

Most of all, just be sweet. What every girl wants is just a kind, caring boyfriend. If you treat her well, she will be all yours


Next comes officially asking her out. While she may ask you out, many girls follow the tradition of letting the guy doing the asking. If she has been flirting with you, take her to somewhere semi-private and tell her that you like her as more than a friend.


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Remember to give her space. Everyone goes through a period of infatuation where they can’t get enough of the person they like, and this can be especially true of autistic people. Remember that she needs to spend time with her other friends and solitary activities, so don’t crowd her if she’s busy or not interested in talking at the moment.Before approaching her, look for signals that she’s open to conversation. If you can’t tell, ask her “Is now a good time to chat?”

If she’s hanging out with her friends, don’t join the conversation unless she beckons you over, the conversation pertains to you, or there is a lull in the conversation.

Let her initiate some of the conversations. This helps prevent you coming off as clingy. Trust that she’ll come to you.


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Tell her that you appreciate her.
Go out of your way to give her gifts, compliment her, spend time together, and cheer her up when she’s feeling down. If you treat her like the most wonderful girl in the world, she’ll believe it, and she’ll love being your girlfriend.


Via WikiHow

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