The world is full of bright, compassionate, and attractive women—which can make approaching them very difficult. With patience and just a little confidence, you can overcome your shyness and find yourself a girlfriend. This dating advice is tailored for people on the autism spectrum, but other disabled people and neurotypicals may also find it useful.
4Observe how other people treat their girlfriends. Pay attention to their body language and the things they say. Notice what it is that makes people seem loving, respectful, and sweet.
If you’re worried about staring at your friends, try watching relationships on TV.
Ask people with girlfriends for tips on treating ladies well.
Start with a compliment. “I was really impressed by your improvements to the robot,” “I love your bracelet,” or “Your hair looks nice.” She will most likely thank you, and perhaps return with a compliment. If she does, thank her.
Next ask a question like “How was your day?”, “What do the charms on your bracelet mean?” or “Have you got much work to do tonight?” It’s especially nice to ask her questions about the thing you complimented, or about something you have in common (e.g. about her thoughts on the class you take together). She’ll reply, and either go deeper into the answer with you, or ask you a question in return.
Speak when there is a long silence (about 15 seconds or more).
Avoid overwhelming her with questions. Whenever there is a silence, alternate between questions and things about your plans for example: “Last weekend I went to….” or “Tomorrow I’m going…”. This should get her to start asking you questions.
Let her do most of the talking. Many psychologists recommend the 70/30 rule: spent 70% of the time listening, and 30% of the time talking. This helps your conversation partner feel appreciated, and makes her want to talk to you again. If you find that you’re doing over half the talking, slow down and give her room to speak.
Offer to answer any questions she has to the best of your ability. If she’s especially curious, point her to autistic-written resources from organizations like ASAN and the Autism Women’s Network.
Neurotypicals tend to feel awkward when people mention disabilities. If she starts looking away or stuttering, she is probably a bit uncomfortable. Ask her if she feels uncomfortable, and if there’s anything that you can do to ease her mind.
Most neurotypicals will react with support, confusion, or curiosity. However, if she responds badly, don’t take it personally—it is her ignorance that is the problem, not your autism, and you deserve better than someone who doesn’t respect who you are. You are fundamentally okay.
If she usually gives short answers to all your questions, doesn’t say much to you, and leaves before you get the chance to talk to her much, then she’s probably not interested. It’s better to back off and find someone else.
If you can’t tell, ask a friend if they think she likes you. Friends can offer valuable insights, and many of them feel pleased that you trust their judgment. This is a very normal thing to do when you have a crush.
Don’t be afraid of your quirks. Your stims, special interests, and idiosyncrasies are part of who you are. A girl who cares for you will find them sweet and unique.
Find areas of mutual interest and talk about those. If one of those is a special interest of yours, don’t be afraid to delve into it! Your passion and expertise may pleasantly surprise her. Simply follow the general rules of politeness: don’t monopolize the conversation, and let her change the subject if she wants. If you do that, you’ll be just fine.
Most of all, just be sweet. What every girl wants is just a kind, caring boyfriend. If you treat her well, she will be all yours
If she’s hanging out with her friends, don’t join the conversation unless she beckons you over, the conversation pertains to you, or there is a lull in the conversation.
Let her initiate some of the conversations. This helps prevent you coming off as clingy. Trust that she’ll come to you.
Tell her that you appreciate her. Go out of your way to give her gifts, compliment her, spend time together, and cheer her up when she’s feeling down. If you treat her like the most wonderful girl in the world, she’ll believe it, and she’ll love being your girlfriend.